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“If only x,y,z would happen, then all of this would be different.”

I cannot even count that amount of times I have said that.

In June/July, I discussed here and here how much my life had changed with a new career, the struggle of the scale, how I no longer was putting myself as a priority. A few weeks later, nothing much has changed. The scale continues the 1-3 pound dance up and down, my workouts are few and far between, feel most days defeated by it all. I do not feel like me anymore. All I want is a routine, a balance of life, work, and fitness. I feel like I am grasping at straws trying to create one.

My frustration really starts with my career. I was in a dead-end job for quite sometime, years, and felt there was no way out. Resume after resume sent, rejection after rejection received. If only my job would change I wouldn’t be depressed anymore and I could lose weight. That was my constant narrative, until New Year’s Eve. When I rejoined Weight Watchers on New Year’s Eve, I felt I had no control over my career but at least I could have control over me. Needless to say, we all know what has happened since. I lost the weight, felt fabulous, finally things were clicking. Then I got the call. I got a YES to a new job and it was a job I wanted. It all felt surreal but I wasn’t prepared for the change to come…The change this job would bring to my routine.

If only I could workout in the morning again, I would lose weight again. If I wasn’t so tired, I would be more diligent about tracking, lose weight again. That is my current narrative and needs to STOP. I lost weight, almost every single week, from January-June, without a new job. This new routine of mine, which doesn’t allow time for morning workouts, is my reality. I have to stop fighting it and work with it. It boils down to discipline. It means going to bed earlier so I do have energy to open my phone and track my food. It means evening workouts. I have to workout, reducing my chronic illness symptoms depends on a consistent routine. My health isn’t an option, it is a requirement.

I know I can do it. I believe in myself.

 

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